Helloooo Team Luke! Wait, you mean you’re not here to just talk about Mr. Crazy Eyes himself, Luke P? You want to see Hannah connect with other men and develop multiple relationships at once? You came to a show called “The Bachelorette” to see...I dunno, a bachelorette? Tough break then, buddy, because tonight is all Luke all the time! And yes, if you’re the kind of person who felt that the Bachelor/ette franchise didn’t have quite enough manufactured drama, then tonight’s episode is for you!
A picture is worth a thousand words, so maybe I didn’t need to write this recap | Screenshot © ABC
Right from the “Previously On” clips, we’re treated to a montage of classic Luke P moments over the last five (yep, only five!) episodes. We see Luke P get yelled at by Luke S, by Jed, even by Hannah! Don’t forget that last week’s episode ended with Hannah telling Luke that she can’t give him the date rose because he won’t open up to her.
We pick up in Scotland with Mateo and Garrett debating if Luke’s coming back that night or not. They agree to “prepare for the worst,” even though they think there’s no way he gets the rose. Back to right where we left off with Hannah and Luke at dinner, where she tells him, “I don’t think there are any roads that lead to what I want” in their relationship. Luke stares into space for a solid ten seconds then responds, “I’m very confused right now,” which is FASCINATING to me because the second half of last week’s episode was Hannah getting increasingly annoyed with Luke while he failed to react. I mean...DUDE. She is literally telling you why your relationship isn’t working, and you’re just not reacting. He just parrots back Hannah’s words at her, saying he found the day really frustrating and how they just “couldn’t get there” all day.
“You looked into my eyes! Your path now leads to the Gates of Doom!” | Screencap © ABC
“I guess all I can say is please, think about everything that we’ve talked about,” Luke tells Hannah. He keeps going, and actually, earnestly uses the phrase “MY BAD” as an apology. I don’t know what’s going on in Hannah’s head, but boy, am I personally so confused right now. We watched Luke fail to absorb a single thing Hannah said for the entirety of their day-long date, and now that she’s finally done, you’re pulling out the waterworks and saying everything she wants to hear? Does this feel awfully manipulative to anyone else out there?
Luke seems to figure out that his current plan isn’t working, so he asks if he’s really leaving. Hannah, with minimal hesitation, responds, “Yes, and I want you to respect that.” Seems pretty clear cut, right? Oh-ho-ho, but no because Luke after leaving claims he was blindsided by the whole getting-sent-home thing, and decides to actually STAY. “I care about her so much, I don’t want to go home...nothing’s gonna stop me or clutter or cloud my mind except pursuing Hannah,” he tells the camera. He comes back in and talks to Hannah some more, trying to explain himself and “getting emotional”. I put this in quotes because there’s something eerie about watching Luke semi-scream about feelings. The whole thing feels less like an emotional outburst and more like someone pretending to have an emotion they’ve never felt before.
So emotion, much natural | Screencap © ABC
Hannah seems wary and really hesitant to believe Luke, even as he says he is ready to marry her. Cut back to the house, where the guys are talking about how glad they are all to see Luke go, but of course then Luke comes in! He didn’t get a rose, but Hannah’s decided to let him stay and go through the rose ceremony with the group. Garrett seems the most frustrated out of all the guys about Luke’s continued presence in the house, and asks Luke point-blank if they talked about any of the other guys on his and Hannah’s date.
Finally, after literal hours of stalling, we get to the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Production is kind enough to give us some gratuitous shots of Tyler putting on a shirt, and a nice moment of Pilot Pete looking only slightly less smiley than usual. The cocktail party starts with Hannah saying that she feels “enlightened” after the past week and how her religion has gotten her through the recent tough stuff. I definitely thought she said, “Thor placed a verse on my heart,” not “The Lord”, which made me both confused and giggly. ANYWAY –
Garrett gets the first alone time at the party. He does a good job of talking about his time with Hannah and not about Luke, at least at first. They seem to be having a lovely bonding moment, but then Garrett goes and messes it all up by asking Hannah if Luke talked about any of the other guys on the one-on-one. Hannah says that Luke did mention Devin and Dylan during the date, but because she asked directly. They kiss, and Garrett seems ready to move on with the evening…
Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car? | Screencap © ABC
BUT THEN Garrett calls Luke a liar for not admitting up front that Luke talked about other dudes on the date. The guys look realllly excited to hear what Luke has to say about them, but as Luke’s talking, Garrett keeps shouting over Luke that nobody believes him. It’s so loud that when we cut to Hannah and Connor in the hallway, we can still hear the two of them yelling. Hannah ends up excusing herself to go stand to the side and talk to (I assume) the production team, and gets so upset by the constant yelling that she storms into the room where the guys are talking (“talking”) and tells them to knock it off. She gives the guys a chance to ask her questions about the date, and Luke promptly talks over all the guys to “explain” to Hannah what’s going on. “Explain” has to go in quotations yet again because it reallllly doesn’t feel like Luke’s doing any kind of explaining for the sake of clarity, more just to reframe everything to his side? Every time he tries to dig himself out, he just gets everyone worked up and angry again. I dunno, the guy’s bad news.
Connor’s got the right idea here | Screencap © ABC
Hannah tells them to cool out, and leaves the room. Pilot Pete puts in a prayer for peace, because, in his words, “this sucks.” Pilot Pete’s my favorite. Hannah, drinking wine seemingly alone and upstairs, can still hear the yelling and comes back downstairs to tell the dudes off – again. “I’m a grown ass woman, and I can decide if I want to spend my time figuring all this out,” she tells the room. Hannah is clear that she’s frustrated with Luke, sure, but she’s more tired about the fact that none of the guys are focusing on their relationships with her. She says she’s irritated with every single person in the room, and she’s now no longer ready to open up to anyone because no one seems to be interested.
When Hannah leaves, all the guys suddenly realized that they done messed up big time. Jed is “shocked”! Pilot Pete tells everyone to stop being selfish! Garrett apologizes for being petty! Luke...accepts Garrett’s apology, but doesn’t actually apologize himself! I think what’s most amazing to me in all of this is that Hannah is so clearly upset that no one’s paying attention to her, and the first man to come comfort her out of the 12 remaining is...Chris Harrison? What the heck, dudes? Shouldn’t you all be climbing over each other to run to her side and soothe the woman you claim to have feelings for?? Hellooo??
Not much else to say about the rose ceremony or the rest of the evening besides the roses, so I’ll just leave the following dialogue here:
Garret, in voiceover: “I know I’m in jeopardy, I hope she forgives me for ruining an evening...I feel like tonight was all my fault.”
Luke, direct to camera, immediately after: “This is 100% Garrett’s fault.”
As soon as the rose ceremony ends, Hannah’s back to telling the guys what’s up. She says she feels defeated, uncertain, and mostly unsure that at this point she’s going to end up with anyone there. We then move the group to Riga, Latvia, to start a fresh week of dates.
The most we’ll see of Riga on this episode | Screencap © ABC
JUST KIDDING, we spend most of our time here watching Hannah and Chris Harrison have a heart to heart in the hotel lobby restaurant! Chris says he wants Latvia to be the turning point for Hannah, where she really feels like the relationships are taking off. She responds that she’s not sure this process can even work with this group of guys. Hannah feels weighed down by the process and that she’s not ready to open up to the guys because they’re not even asking her to open up. Chris says that maybe Hannah’s fighting the process a bit, which, like, and I don’t say this lightly, eff off, Chris Harrison.
I’m pretending the 30 minutes of footage that follows after this conversation doesn’t exist, because it’s literally just a recap of everything we saw in the past 3 episodes with the guys and the yelling and yeah. It’s the most blatantly time-filler-y thing this show’s done in a while, so I’m going to ignore it except to say that I really like Hannah’s sparkly gold outfit. Let’s all just agree that this second part never happened and think John Paul Jones-y thoughts about Bachelor in Paradise coming back in August instead, ok? Ok.
Moving past the pettiness: Connor, Tyler, Dustin, Pilot Pete, Dylan, Garrett, plus Mike and Jed from last week’s dates
Upstairs, chugging champagne alone: Mateo, Kevin, Grant
Somehow still here also: Luke