Well, somehow, Bachelor Nation, we’ve made it to another season. We survived the monotony of The Colton Era, and have Roll-Tide’d into the Season of Hannah.. I hate to admit it but Hannah seems outrageously happy to be the Bachelorette, which MIGHT just overcome the fact that she is...fine. Cute? Definitely! Boring? One hundred percent.
Maybe the fact that Hannah’s so excited that she can’t stop laughing is actually darling. Bonus points to her for cracking up and saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing” as she shoots the cheesy “walking-through-a-cornfield” B-oll. We watch Hannah do a lot of walking around her hometown that falls somewhere between “cute” and “snooze.” Chris Harrison arrives in Tuscaloosa with a pocket square, because this show just can’t be normal ever. At least it kept me engaged trying to figure out why you’d wear that outfit to rural Alabama.
“As a kid I loved to perform, but I never felt good enough,” Hannah tells the camera. This could be the motto of every single pageant girl ever. “With Colton, I struggled to be perfect.” It’s impressive how upfront she is about this with the TV cameras, but it seems like maybe going on a TV show to judge men (and, in turn, be judged) miiiiight not be the healthiest life choice?
You know what would help with Hannah’s confidence? Having one of the show’s most notorious scene-stealers come in for support! Magically, here we have Katie and Demi, Queen of Stealing Screen Time, here to “help” Hannah get ready. Why are we giving Demi more airtime why why why? Hannah just said Demi’s “always so helpful,” and now I want to just give up on this whole season.
Before I fully abandon all hope, we get into meeting the men in their hometowns with intro videos. Let me tell you, these guys are...something else. The first clip introduces us to Tyler, A CONTRACTOR WHO LOVES TO DANCE. See him Footloose in a construction site! See him pose on a boat! See his dog stare at the camera! This is real. This is happening. I might be fully back in on this season. Other highlights of the segment include one of the pilots (whose name I forgot) who talks about being spontaneous in a monotone, and JOE BARSANO THE BOX KING aka “my new best friend.” He’s not going to make it through the season despite him being my new favorite contestant of all time. At least it’ll be easy for him to move out of the house...you know, because of the boxes.
Quick cut over to my other new top pick, Matt Donald who works on a farm (the joke is too easy). That haircut doesn’t particularly scream “farm boy,” but I’m intrigued. Next comes one of the Connors, who is actually on camera saying, “It starts with attitude, if you think you can, you will. Now let’s sell some cars!” GET OUT OF HERE CONNOR. And then there’s Luke.
Luke likes to think he’s good looking. This is his thing, being really, really ridiculously good looking. Not only does he look like Colton a bit, but he has rediscovered God, just like Colton did. Also we get to see B-roll of him in the shower, just like Colton.
After meeting some of the guys, we get into the meat of the episode: the Limo arrivals! You can see my full Arrival thoughts on Twitter, but TL; DR – the dudes are TRULY HERE to play. As a non-football, non-Alabama person, I am already done with “Roll Tide” after these arrivals, but I have a feeling that’s an unpopular opinion. Hannah is clearly freaking out the whole time, but has that pageant smile glued on tight. Several of these dudes were lucky (“lucky”) to get to meet Hannah on ‘After the Final Rose’ a few months back, so they feel like they’ve got an advantage since she already knows their names. I hate to admit it, but they might be right? Hannah says, “I’ma confetti cake it!” and we’re off the the races in the Mansion.
We see Hannah praying to make herself sound smart and to find love, and then she gives a speech about her confidence again and finding love and yadda yadda sorry Hannah, I think I dozed off in the middle. Luke, aka ‘New Fake Colton’, grabs her the SECOND she finishes her toast to have his one-on-one time. No time to waste, New Fake Colton! Luke kinda blows the 3-1 lead by telling Hannah, “I’m just really, really into you, so you’ve got some catching up to do!” which is actively creepy.
Connor J., while being seemingly super smarmy, is actually cute and throws Hannah a Bachelorette Party complete with party games and a tiara! Cam says that he doesn’t kiss on the first date even if there’s chemistry, and then kisses her. He already has a rose from being on ‘After the Final Rose,’ so he’s flying high. However, Cam already has too many catchphrases, including but not limited to “ABC –Always Be Cam”. I fear this is quickly going to turn into ABHCS – Always Be Hearing Cam Speak.
Brian continues to be charmingly awkward and nervous, and gets even more nervous when Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose. There are few things more awkward in the world than being a woman forced to listen to a man play guitar alone in a room with you. And yet -somehow - Hannah thinks it’s so darling when Jed does it.
This all seems to be going snoozingly well, so cue the ominous music when Demi & Katie rolling up to the mansion in a Creepy White Van (™). They’re “scoping out the guys” from a van in the parking lot and some live (“live”) camera footage, because apparently someone messaged Demi to say that one of these dudes...DUN DUN DUN…HAS A GIRLFRIEND. So now we’ve got Crazy Ass Demi commenting on every single thing that happens. Demi claims that Scott – who is simultaneously talking about how he likes fancy things and interior design – is the one with the girlfriend, even though it’s unclear where she got that from. Because there’s apparently no upper bound on Demi Time, Chris Harrison pulls Hannah away from the guys, takes her to the van, and allows Demi to call him out.
Hannah storms back into the mansion and calls him outside. Demi and Katie seem more excited to see what happens next than we at home do. Hannah confronts him about having a girlfriend and he gives the meekest “I don’t have a girlfriend” in response. Scott tries to cover a little bit, but doesn’t string the phrase “I am not currently dating anyone” together in any way. Hannah, to her credit, sees RIGHT THROUGH IT and calls him out. He finally comes out and says that he was dating someone up until the Monday before the show but it “wasn’t serious,” and he’s now all in on Hannah. He tries to flip it on her about Colton but COME ON DUDE this is exhausting. We are an hour in and I’m exhausted. Good for Hannah for calling him a jerk to his face. Obviously she sends him home. Demi’s absolutely right in saying “SEE YA,” but we really didn’t need another cut to Queen Camera Hog to drive home that Scott’s leaving.
Hannah explains to the dudes why Scott left and how annoyed she is, then goes outside to cool off. While a bunch of the guys agree that it’s only right and proper to leave her alone to cool off for a minute, Luke, aka ‘Fake New Colton’, swoops in to comfort her and tells her that he’s only here for her heart and nothing else. Smart move, bro. Connor S. later gets some time with her, and they end up kissing.
The guys sit around speculating who’s going to get the first impression rose, and Cam continues to Always Be Cam-ing by saying he’s gonna get two first impression roses. She then swoops in and walks by seemingly everyone in the house before giving it to Luke. Garrett, who is sitting next to him when Hannah comes in, looks visibly stressed. Luke accepts by saying “without a doubt” a bunch of times and then kissing Hannah.
Hannah comes into the room with all the guys and then instantly gets pulled away for the rose ceremony. A bunch of the dudes are stressing because they didn’t get to talk to her due to the Scott Situation earlier in the evening. Hannah gives a little speech about doing what her heart tells her and then sends EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FAVORITES HOME. Hannah! Not going to lie, I’m incredibly distressed by this. We’re in a fight, Chris Harrison. You owe me.
In in for the long-ish haul: Mike, Connor S, Matthew (who we’ve never seen until now), Connor J, Jed, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C, Tyler G, Darren, Luke S, Garrett, Grant, Kevin, John Paul Jones.
Out (until Bachelor in Paradise casting): Chasen. MATT DONALD. JOE THE BOX KING. Any sense of fun or whimsy.