I’m so honored to be writing these “The Bachelor” recaps for Rainbow Caverns. I’ve been a fan of the show since college, from the gowns to the crying to the ridiculously heteronormative dates the contestants go on. True, in the twenty-odd years this show has been on the air, it’s become more and more problematic. But somehow, this show still draws me in every week and keeps me hooked (at least until things get boring the week before hometowns), and I’m thrilled to be sharing my inner monologue with all of you, including Chris Harrison who I’m sure is reading this right now. Obviously.
Just like your favorite sports team, ABC is always sure to release stats on the players ahead of the season kickoff. This year, the contestant bios are a little less detailed than they have been in the past, which makes it even harder than normal to judge these women on more than just their headshots. Nevertheless, I’ve attempted to give you my best guesses as who to keep an eye on over the next several weeks, based solely on three to five sentences about women I’ve never met! Hoo boy, this is going to be even more problematic than I expected!
Gather ‘round the infinity pool, #BachelorNation, and let’s take a look at the next batch of women looking for love in all the most public places together:
Season 24 cast of "The Bachelor" | © ABC
Alex B. — Her job is “dog rescuer”, which makes it really hard to say anything bad about her. She will probably make it through a few rounds.
Alex D. — Boston isn’t a personality, is it? [Editor's note: As Rainbow Caverns resident Bostonian, I'm here to tell you YES. -Toni] Also likes animals. Her bio describes her doing everything “verrryyy slowly”, which feels...odd? Is this setting up some kind of plot device for later in the season? WAIT HER JOB TITLE IS “SLOTH”. I take it all back, I love Alex D.
Angelique — Anyone who tells dad jokes in their Bachelor profile wins me over from the get-go. Women of color have a less-than-stellar track record on this show. Will Colton keep her around for a few weeks to show how not-racist he is, especially after the Becca/Garrett drama last season?
Annie — Annie seems like the classic farm-girl-next-door contestant. She’ll probably go far.
Bri — Ok, she seems pretty awesome. Former soccer player, snowboarder, Southern Californian model? Might be a bit heavy on the “Cool Girl” trope (shades of Krystal from Arie’s season anyone?). If she can create enough drama by being “chill,” she’ll be around for the long haul.
Caelynn — She’s 23 and Miss North Carolina 2018. She’s probably super sweet and hates drama. She’ll be around for a minute.
Caitlin — Another one who seems super fun. Maybe it’s because she’s Canadian? Kaitlyn Bristow was a ton of fun and a great addition to the bachelor fam, hopefully this Caitlin will be just as good! Rooting for her based on two sentences alone.
Cassie — Also 23. She seems lovely, it mentions she’s a speech pathologist with kids and has 2 cats, so either she’ll be gone in the first week or she’ll stick around until hometowns. 50/50 honestly.
Catherine — She’s a real estate agent AND a DJ! Her Favorite author is Dr. Seuss! She’s going to be a lot. 78% chance she gets sent home in 4 weeks and just refuses to go.
Courtney — Another 23 year old, but I think I like her. Nothing against being 23 per se, but these girls are very young to be determining their forever in a TV format. I bet she goes far. Also, as I’m writing this I finally looked up how old Colton. The answer is 26 so I suppose all these 23-year-olds make sense for him. As someone *cough* decidedly north *cough* of 23, I still reserve the right to judge them all for being Youths.
Demi — 23 still. Her goal is to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel (good for her). Seems like she’s gonna go all-in on the rugged-but-super-cute-rural girl thing that Raven worked so well.
Devin — Devin is also 23. Devin is too good for this show. Devin’s going to go home in the first week.
Elyse —Is it eh-lease or el-see? Will she stick around long enough for us to find out? Probably not, which is a shame, mostly because she’s 31 and I don’t get the sense Colton actually wants to date a Proper Adult™.
Erika — Her nickname is “The Nut”. Her profile is literally just about being able to eat anything and not get fat. Sigh.
Erin — Her occupation is “Cinderella” because apparently she keeps losing shoes? Sure. She seems fine? Skeptical she’ll make it past the first week though
Hannah B. — An Alabama girl through and through, right down to being Miss Alabama 2018. Calling it now, she makes it to the Final 4.
Hannah G. — “Content creator”. Shoutout to the Bachelor crew for finally owning the fact that so many contestants rely on social media for their during/post-Bach careers. Or is it too meta? Have any Bachelor/ette contestants really gone “glamping”? Who knows! She stays the first week, probably does something zany on the first group date.
Heather — 22! She’s 22 and her bio is “never been kissed”! This almost certainly means that Heather’s entire storyline will be about wanting her first kiss to be with Colton The Virgin Bachelor and how alike this fact makes the two of them. Less than 20% of her screen time will have to do with her personality. She will make it through at least 5 weeks.
Jane — Or is it Adrianna? Unclear. Besides that, she seems like a winner — Social Worker, loves tacos and sneakers, LA Native. I think there’s big things in store for her.
Katie — This is the second bio to mention how much she loves glamping! Is this just a subtle way to say “I don’t like the outdoors”? Does this increase the odds that both Katie and Hannah G. End up on a group date about doing outdoors activities? Spoiler alert: almost certainly yes.
Kirpa — It’s great that she works in her family business. Her bio says “Colton better floss!” Eh…sorry Kirpa, but I don’t think you’re making it to week 2.
Laura — She seems like a good mix of exciting and “normal girl” to be a good front runner. I bet she gets an early one-on-one date and they go drive an ATV or something. Extra shoutout for mentioning her regrettable emo phase…we all had one, but it takes a real champion to admit it on national TV.
Nicole — Sure, whatever. I’ve been writing this for like 2 hours now and I find myself unable to make any conclusive judgement on her.
Nina — Nina fled Croatia with her mom at 9 years old to escape “bullets and bombs,” which is an incredibly brave and daring thing to do. Now in the States, she watches “The Bachelor” at home with her mom and grandma, which is also lovely. Unfortunately, this is reality TV and the fact that she’s a fan probably means that no matter how great she is as a person or how truly tragic her story, she’s probably gone by week 3.
Onyeka —She seems charming, and you can’t fault a girl for picking Cheez-Its as her favorite snack. She’ll make it through the first week for sure.
Revian — She’s listed as both “nurse” and “esthetician” in her very short bio, so there’s something interesting going on here. Hope she sticks around long enough for us to learn more!
Sydney — A pro dancer, which makes…3? Women this season who’ve devoted some or all of their life to dance. Very on-brand for “The Bachelor.” That being said, she’s travelled all over the world and never had a boyfriend, which are two unrelated facts that the producers will almost certainly combine to make her a wild card favorite.
Tahzjuan — Gotta give the girl respect for her “I love bad ideas” tattoo, but unless she has a good introduction gimmick, I’m not sure if there’s enough to make her stand out from this very silly crowd.
Tayshia — The ultimate girl-next door. Mission trips! Girl Scouts! Volunteers at church! I think she’s in it for a while.
Tracy —Ah, Tracy. She’s already caused drama before the season even begins for saying some pretty offensive things on Twitter. The way Colton responded to this news suggests she’s going to be a top pick for at least the first few weeks of the season. It’s 2019 though, and anyone who doesn’t delete their Bad Tweets before going on TV is probably not the sharpest.
PERSONAL FAVORITES — Caitlin, Devin, Jane, Bri, Alex D
FRONT RUNNERS BASED ON LITERALLY ALMOST NOTHING — Laura, Erika, Heather, Cathy
GONE BUT ALSO PROBABLY FORGOTTEN — Nicole, Erin, Kirpa, Tahzjuan
Who do you think has the chance to go for the gold (engagement ring)? Who will be the first to utter those classic words, “I’m not here to make friends”? Who will insist on meeting Colton in a mascot costume?
We’ll be recapping until the last rose is given out so meet us back here later for all the news! Season 24 of "The Bachelor" is now airing Monday nights on ABC.