Private eyes are watching you | Screencap © ABC
I’m just as surprised as anyone, but let be this be the moment I proudly let my Team Hannah flag fly. She has stood up for herself time and again in a way that almost none of the previous bachelorettes ever have. This week Hannah fights toxic masculinity, perfectly enameled tooth and claw, and comes out on top every time. As for the men, well…yeesh. But let’s get into it, and you’ll see what I mean.
The episode opens with every single dude looking really sad, even as Chris Harrison tells them, “things are going really well!” and “you guys have a fun week ahead of you!” They may be fake laughing, but the terror in their collective eyes is suuuper real. Jonathan, Mateo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C, Mike, Cam get the first group date. We see the guys running down the block as Hannah says in voice-over that “Women go through a lot of pain, and it’s important that the men feel sympathy and empathy.” This is just a small sign of the true Hannah B Power Move (™) that she’s about to pull on the guys.
A who’s who of Super Sad Dudes | Screencap © ABC
We enter a room where we see Jason Biggs (aka “the Guy from American Pie”) and Jenny Mollen loudly faking a childbirth. The date today is all about the miracle of birth!
This might actually be one of the cleverest dates this show’s ever done (minus Jason Biggs’ Colton joke). It becomes clear from the get-go that these guys know essentially nothing about women’s bodies or giving birth, so it’s a really smart twist to put them in a woman’s shoes for a bit, while Hannah gets to sit and gloat in a cool jacket. Talk about building sympathy – and empathy! I love this date. I want to marry this date and have its b… well, you know.
The festivities start with a quiz on the female anatomy. Cam says a woman’s gestational period is two weeks… yikes. Other tasks involve trying to get a fake baby to stop crying, wearing a pregnancy belly, changing a diaper, and simulating breastfeeding by putting clothespins on the men’s nipples. Finally, we get to the meat of the event – a machine that can simulate labor pains. The dudes look TERRIFIED. Kevin steps up first, and through a lot of cajoling, all of the guys try it with a variety of results that are all AMAZINGGGGG. John Paul Jones is my favorite due to the fact that he’s freaking out before they even put the machine on him.
Childbirth: Separating the Men from the Boys | Screencaps © ABC
At the cocktail party, it’s clear that Jed is a front runner in Hannah’s book. In their one-on-one time on the roof, Jed makes them hurl chicken nuggets off the roof and make a wish. The only rule is that Hannah, “can’t tell him what the wish is until they have a one-on-one date”. Mike tells Hannah a truly upsetting story about how he and his ex lost their child during the second trimester of her pregnancy, and how that was all he could think about during the date. But suddenly, this really personal story gets a dose of ABC – Annoying Butt-face Cam. While Mike’s telling Hannah his story, Cam comes and interrupts Mike a bunch of times, insisting it’s really important that he talks to Hannah. Turns out Cam thinks the only way to win is to grab as much attention from the camer– I mean Hannah, and ignore the feelings of any of the other guys. This strategy backfires immediately for Cam, as both Hannah and Mike become more and more visibly upset every time Cam shows up.
It turns out that Cam’s big thing he needed to say was that he quit his job to be there. WOW. SO DID EVERYONE ELSE, DUMMY. No wonder most of the guys seem to side with Mike as soon as he tells them the story. Immediately after Cam starts talking to Hannah, Jonathan comes in saying, “You’ve had your time… what goes around comes around.” Cam tries to extend the date by walking Hannah to the door, and Jonathan doesn’t really let him get away with it. Honestly, good for Jonathan.
Cam goes off to a corner to complain about the situation to John Paul Jones, calling Jonathan “a little physical, overpowering, insecure chihuahua,” which is an insult that requires way too much mental effort to make useful. Cam tells the camera, “I had to be the bigger man and walk away,” so obviously our next shot is of Cam and Jonathan in this really awkward fake semi-standoff. Someone asks about the chicken nuggets. Tyler says the date made him want to call his mom. Mike gets the group date rose.
Meanwhile, the one-on-one date card arrives, and it’s for Connor S. Luke P is grumpy it’s not his date, so he tells the camera that there’s no world where Hannah doesn’t compare all the dudes and wind up with Luke P. Yikes.
On the day of the date, Connor gets a note saying Hannah has to cancel the date because she’s not feeling well. Instead, Hannah invites Connor over to her hotel to keep her company. On the way, Connor goes to a grocery store to buy soup, flowers, and a card, which is very darling. The date consists of spending the day sitting in bed talking and just generally chilling. Before leaving, Connor leaves little Post-its around the room that say nice things to Hannah. There’s no rose, but Connor acts like it’s fine. It’s fine. He’s fine.
Luke P uses the time while Connor’s gone to further up his creepy factor. As the dudes cook and talk about the Connor-Hannah date, Luke P tells the camera that “it’s [his] job to care for Hannah right now, and I know she wants me over there.” He also tells the guys in the house that “if [he] was there and she told [him] to leave [he’d] just say, ‘It’s alright… I’ll just cuddle up in bed. We don’t even have to talk.’” This is a clear sign of a man who does not actually listen to a woman when she speaks. I’ve officially upgraded Luke P from a “Yikes” to a “Yikesssssss.”
Exhibit A in the Case Against Luke P: The Crazy Eyes | Screencap © ABC
Connor returns to the mansion, and we see Hannah discover all the Post-Its Connor left for her. She’s so smitten that she sends a driver to the mansion later that night to take Connor to continue the rest of their day together. Luke P waits for Connor to leave before he tells the rest of the guys at the house that it’s a “pity date.” Sure, Jan. The date consists of Hannah giving Connor a rose, and then dancing to a private performance by Lucas Graham. The camera spends equal time on the singer as the couple. Connor says he’s come down with a case of Hannah Fever. Romance!
After the commercial break, Hannah comes on screen to say that Tyler G had to leave, whoever that is! Luke P, Dylan, Luke S, Grant, Peter, Garrett, Joey, and Devin go on the next group date. On first look, this date seems like a photo shoot where each of the guys is paired up with a model… an animal model. Some guys get dogs, someone gets a llama, and someone even gets a teacup pig! The photo shoot is “inspired by” (aka sponsored by) the movie “The Secret Life of Pets 2”, so of course this means DETECTIVE DEMI is back on the case to snoop! She’s set up hidden cameras, and hired 2 actors to flirt with the guys while she and Hannah watch from another room. Hannah cautions, “If I found out Luke P said all this stuff and then wasn’t here for the right reasons… Bless his soul,” but instead we see Luke tell the fake makeup artist that he thinks he’s going to get engaged from the show. Everyone passes, which makes Hannah happy but leaves Demi -– and me, tbh – quite upset.
After taking pictures with the pets, the guys start taking pictures with Hannah. Luke P once again gets excessively jealous and weird when he sees her kissing other men during the shoot. He kicks Dylan out of his own shoot in order to take more photos with Hannah, this time while doing pushups #definitelynotinsecure. Hannah says she has to go change, and Luke P turns it up to 11, trying to walk Hannah to her dressing room, asking if they can go talk. Hannah shuts him down politely, but once the cocktail party starts later, the politeness seems to be gone.
Right away Hannah grabs Luke P, saying she finds it really unattractive that he keeps flaunting their connection in front of the other guys. Luke immediately tells Hannah that none of the other guys “have what it takes” to be her husband. Hannah starts telling him she’s frustrated by his behavior and Luke tries to interrupt. Hannah (because she rules) doesn’t let him and says he’s acting too cocky and it needs to stop. Luke comes out of the meeting feeling hurt,saying he has no idea what she’s talking about and he’s not going to change his behavior. Oh no oh no oh no.
Luke then proceeds to hover over everyone else’s one-on-one time and it’s SO SO SO CREEPY. I don’t know how you can be this dude and think that this behavior is going to do good things for your relationship. At one point, Peter tries to go talk to Hannah and Luke P basically blocks him, saying, “I didn’t talk to [Hannah], she talked to me, but I didn’t actually talk to her.”
Luke starts getting confrontational and even Peter is confused by the random acts of testosterone that Luke is pulling out more and more. Luke even corners Hannah at one point, and she handles it like a champ, telling him, “I am in control of my own actions, and I told you we’ll talk later.” Luke is so confused and upset by the idea that he starts telling some of the other dudes that he’s thinking about going home that very night.
Hannah picks up the group date rose and then asks Luke to come talk to her. While holding the rose, Hannah tells him he’s not getting the rose because he’s not behaving well and he needs to do better at respecting her wishes and fix things. Luke takes it… fine? Peter gets the group date rose.
The next day, Chris Harrison shows up to say that there’s no cocktail party that night, but there is a tailgate party! Everyone seems pretty excited, and then Cam uses the opportunity to inform the whole group that he needs to discuss something Very Important with Hannah, so can he just grab her first because it might cause her to send him home immediately, and if he’s being sent home then bye forever? There’s a pause and Mike goes, “psh, naw,” which is what I think we all were thinking.
Hannah tells the camera that it’s been such a crazy week and she doesn’t want to deal with a lot of drama, so heeeeere’s Cam! He tells a very long story that involves a leg amputation, a dead family member, and having to give away a new puppy? The guys are all talking about Cam’s bad behavior, and Mike decides that Hannah needs to know that Cam’s fishing for a “pity rose” with his dramatic stories.
ABC stands for “Anyway, Bye Cam” | © ABC via People
Everyone goes to change, and comes back for the rose ceremony, led by New Goth Hannah, wearing dark lipstick and a dark maroon sequin gown. Maybe it’s an omen?
Scored the Pity Rose: Jed, Tyler C, Dustin, Dylan, Luke P, Garret, John Paul Jones (who accepts “with gratitude”), Mateo, Devin, Luke S, Kevin, Peter, Mike, Connor S
Interrupted too many times (or maybe not enough): Cam, Jonathan, Joey